Depression is the worst

It snuck up on me today. Things just weren’t going the way I wanted them to and I wound up spending time in bed and away from everyone else.

After a nap and a little food, I felt better.

Then, came the insidious part of depression. Feeling sorry for behaving poorly and wanting to apologize to everyone. It’s a double whammy. First, you feel bad because you want to spend time alone. Then, you feel bad for spending time alone.

It is a daily struggle. Most days, I say, “Not today, Satan” and I don’t let the darkness win. There are, however, occasional instances when that doesn’t work and it gets the best of me. This feeds the never-ending circle of, “nothing I ever do is good enough”.

Sometimes, I wonder if depression is part of my personality, or if it’s more like disease I contracted? I don’t remember always being this way specifically, but I’ve always had social anxiety and problems fitting in. The answer is probably a little bit of both; like most things it’s somewhere in the middle instead of being on one end of the spectrum. It’s just something I think about.