Eric’s Blog

Somedays, I just feel like doing absolutely nothing at all. There are many days when I wake up feeling like doing nothing, or days where I don’t wake up because subconsciously, I don’t want to do anything.

I wonder if it’s because I’ve done so much with my life over the last 24 years? Almost every single day over the last 24 years, I’ve been awake at 5am or earlier and go all day until I don’t have to go anymore; frequently 18 hour days.

When I do get time off, I just want to lie down on the couch, or any other horizontal surface close-at-hand, and just be still like a vegetable. There are times when I’ve been known to just lie down on the floor because it’s the closest horizontal surface. I don’t always want to run out and do things, although sometimes I do that. I don’t want to go visit friends or cultivate new relationships; although I do that sometimes as well. I don’t want to go on any adventures; although, I do that when I have time off as well. There are just some times when I want to hide in my hobbit hole with a cuppa tea, a good books, and my easy chair.

Today, I woke up when the alarm went off, listened to the news, decided to close my eyes for a bit longer to catch a few extra moments of sleep and overslept missing my appointment by thirty minutes. I wasn’t too worried about missing my appointment, it’s a routine appointment every week where I drive an hour south to give myself two allergy injections. I don’t actually see any healthcare personnel in person. I have to dial in via a videoconference in case I have an adverse reaction to the injection.

Normally, I would feel bad about missing an appointment and oversleeping, but I honestly don’t care at this point. I’m so tired of getting up every morning and running for everyone else. I got up, threw on some comfy house clothes, shuffled out to the kitchen, and made a cuppa tea. No one else seems to be looking out for me, so why shouldn’t I take some time to do it for myself?

I have to tell myself that it’s okay to put myself first; I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s not a bad thing. Yes, going to my routine appointment is taking care of me, but today, getting some extra sleep just happened to be a higher priority.

I only worry that I’m falling into a bad habit of not being at work everyday and when I go to work for my new company, it’s going to be difficult to break. I suppose I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I’ll just call this a mental health day and take some time to reflect and meditate on how I’m feeling.

I only hope that I don’t fall into the rabbit hole of feeling guilty about taking some time off. It would be okay if I put on pants and went to the store for a few odds and ends I know we need around the house, but it would also be okay to read a book on the front porch watching the rain with a cuppa tea by my side. I usually do this, I feel bad about sitting around all day observing the law of conservation of angular momentum when the day is gone and it’s time for bed. Conversely, I feel bad about getting up and going to do something because I didn’t get a full day of sitting around saving energy. It’s like I can never be happy in my own skin; that is the most frustrating part.

For now, I’m going to work on some more blog posts for the rest of the week and get those scheduled to go out, have another cuppa tea or two, maybe finish the book i’ve been working on, and see where the day takes me. I’m promising myself right here and now, and I’m holding you as witnesses, I won’t feel bad at the end of the day no matter what. I’m resolving to keep a positive mindset throughout the entire day no matter what happens, or what I decide to do.