Anxiety attack!

I just had an anxiety attack at the grocery store

I have one of those jobs that requires me to still be at work even though most people have been working from home for the last week and a half. I’ve worked from home too, but I wanted to go in today to get some files I needed and to show my face at the office so people weren’t worried that the leadership had abandoned them.

I offered to go to the grocery store afterwards to pick up anything the wife thought we needed. She sent me the list while I was at work and I stopped by to get the few odds and ends she sent me:

Beef
Canned milk
Bagels
Cough syrup
Cream cheese
Butter
Shredded cheese
Chicken patties

Pretty easy, right? Should be one of those classic, “man goes into the store to get exactly what is needed, then gets out before anyone noticed he was there.” Not today…

Managing expectations

With the exception of the beef, I either got the last one, or I had to get a knock-off, weird version of the thing on the list. For example, I got the last pack of bagels in the store, but they were blueberry bagels. Normally, we just get plain bagels, but with the current pandemic panic that the world is experiencing, I knew I was going to have to make some sacrifices along the way. So, blueberry bagels it is…

And then it hit me

By the time I got to the dairy case, I was in a full-blown anxiety attack. I got the last couple of cans of evaporated milk, I got breaded chicken fillets instead of patties, different butter than we’re used to, and three versions of cream cheese because I had know idea what the missus was going to want, blueberry, brown sugar, and strawberry. I looked down the toilet paper aisle, but there was no point in going down a completely empty aisle.

Breaking it down

Normally, I get these anxiety attacks when there are a lot of people around, but today at the store, there really wasn’t a whole lot of people there. I think the thing that put me over the edge was how bare the shelves were. I’m surprised I was able to get everything that we needed, albeit, odd brands/flavors we’re that don’t match or we’re not used to. The way we supply our homes with food-stuffs and household items hangs on a thread. The talking heads on the news say there is no danger of supplies running out, but we’re having a problem with demand issues. It all comes down to the haves and the have-nots. The have-nots want to make sure they have instead of…erm…not…having…(that last sentence got away from me). So they run out to the store and snap up as much as they can get their greedy little hands on so they have instead of not…erm…having….(dammit!)

Can you imagine what it must have been like?

It’s difficult to imagine how the system worked when my Grandparents went through The Great Depression, or the Spanish Flu Epidemic of 1918, or World War II when rationing was still a thing. Could you imagine if they brought back rationing today? People would lose their minds (more so than they already have).

The What-if game

What happens when the system fails completely? When the delivery truck drivers stop making their trips, or when the stockers all stop coming to work because they’re tired of dealing with hostile customers? Or enough people get sick and die from COVID-19 that the stores stop opening every day? It all just came crashing down on me in the store and I had to get the hell out of there. I know living in the land of “what-if?” is the worst thing that a person can do to themselves, but I couldn’t stop it today. It built up until the anxiety was crushing my chest and crawling up my neck and hurting my face and jaw. I couldn’t catch my breath. It took everything I had to grab the nearest case of beer and sprint to the check-out lane.

I like it here, I think I’ll stay a while

I think I’ll be teleworking again tomorrow and avoiding crowds and large, open areas for the time being. I can’t help but think that this is how some people felt after 9/11 happened. The people that you heard about who stayed at home 100% of the time and wouldn’t come out of their homes ever again. I have to tell you, I sort of feel like joining that cast of characters. Staying home and never leaving, growing my own produce in the garden, raising chickens to lay eggs and eventually, other chickens, and of course, chicken patties.

Damn my therapist for pulling chocks right before all this went down! There are no others in the area that take my insurance either!

The important part is that I’m okay now, I made it out of the store and back to the house safely. I’ll have to meditate and reflect to get myself back to a healthy place. I know we’re going to come out of this on the other side and everything will go back to some sense of normalcy at some point. Please stay safe out there. Take care of one another and don’t forget to breathe. Good advice for me and for you.