Human relationships

I’m human. I have flaws, quirks, foibles, and pet-peeves the same as anyone else. There are times when I’m just straight-out-grade-A-100% choice-USDA-approved-wrong. What matters is realizing when I’m wrong, which isn’t as easy as one would think.

I came to a realization today, I’m not as altruistic as I like to think I am. I want to say that every good deed that I do is out of the kindness of my heart; I want to be that guy, but if I cut through all the bull-shit, the truth is…I’m not. I want things for myself that I’m not always comfortable coming to terms with or expressing out-loud.

WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?)

I’ve tried several times to write a paragraph about how I’m not a complete monster, but again, if I cut through the BS, the truth is, I’m no different than anyone else on this planet. I do things because I get something out of it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t do shit for anybody but me. I’m not a monster, but even doing charity work gives you a little bit of an ego-boost. Giving money to poor people on the street makes you feel good inside. So you dole out a few coins or dollars once in awhile. Going to the nursing home and playing bingo for an hour makes you feel good about doing charity work; or at the very least, makes you feel like your life isn’t so bad. After all, it could be worse. You could be left alone to rot in a nursing home relying on the charity of others to come entertain you for an hour playing a mind-numbingly boring game.

That last example is borderline sociopathic behavior. Of course, the Germans have a great word for it, schadenfreude. Schadenfreude is taking happiness from the misfortune of others. Oh, don’t be so all-mighty than the rest of us, everybody does it at some point in their lives. That’s why television shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and Tosh.0 were so popular. Because we like seeing people get hit in the nuts, it makes us feel good that it wasn’t us.

Everyone does things based on their motivation. Motivation can come from within (intrinsic motivation) or external sources (extrinsic motivation). An example of intrinsic motivation and be self-satisfaction, a sense of pride, feeling accomplished, etc. Extrinsic motivation can be things like money, fame, notoriety, etc. The simple truth is, no one does anything without asking, “What’s In It For Me?”

Personal examples

The other day at work, the little shop in our building had ordered $400 worth of roses for Valentine’s Day. The lady that runs the shop had a family emergency and had to leave town. The shop was closed Thursday through Monday, all those roses were going to wilt and go to waste. I stepped in and said, I’ll hand them out to people for free since they’ll just go in the trash Tuesday. So I did that. I didn’t keep any for me or my wife, I handed out $400 worth of free flowers to others to spread a little love around. Did I get anything out of it? Sure did. Everyone thought the roses were from me. They thought I’d been thoughtful and was spreading the love around the command like some fat baby in a diaper with wings and a bow and arrow. Did I tell them I was basically giving them trash? Of course not. I let them all think the roses were from me and that I was being nice because of the pending holiday. I was boosting my self-image up in my own mind, and my image I perceive in the minds of others. I was getting something out of it, an ego-boost; no one ever really does something for nothing.

I’ve been dumping around for the last week or so with a little, black, rain-cloud over my head when I came to a realization this morning. The reason I’ve been so angry, upset, blue, depressed, etc., lately is because I’ve been doing things for people and expecting some kind of reciprocation. My expectations weren’t being met, so I was letting it consume me and expressing myself in all sorts of unhealthy ways. It was affecting the people around me, my life, my work, my family, and my personality.

The way I see it, I can deal with this one of two ways. I can either one, do things for people and expect nothing in return. Or two, I can stop doing things for people altogether.

Managing expectations

Managing expectations is the key to not having hurt feelings. If I do something nice for my family on Valentines’ Day and expect nothing from them in return, when they don’t do anything for me, I won’t have hurt feelings. Or, if I don’t do anything for them in the first place and they don’t do anything for me, then we’re even-steven. Koalas in the rain, no fucks given!

Great ear worm!

Here’s a fun thought experiment. Let’s say you’re expecting bad news, it doesn’t matter what it is, let’s just say you’re hoping for the best, but you expect the worst. You get the bad news you’ve been expecting, what happens? Nothing, your expectations were met. Now let’s say someone give you good news that you weren’t expecting, what happens here? You feel great, the bad news you were expecting didn’t happen, instead you got good news, it’s a great day! Now flip the expectation around; say you’re expecting good news and you get it. Yay, you got what you were expecting. But, what if you get bad news while expecting the good? You’ll be depressed and upset and angry and every other negative thing because you wanted good news, but got the bad instead. Am I crazy, or is it better to expect the worst and hope for the best? To simplify, the only place you have to go when you’ve hit rock bottom is up. If you’re high on life, then the only direction you can go is down.

Doing nothing for others doesn’t give you the ego-boost of feeling good. It could back-fire when your family shows up with things on Valentines’ day and you look like a jerk because you didn’t do anything at all. This is why Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory never liked giving gifts. Someone would give him a gift, then he’d have to reciprocate, then that person would feel they’d have to reciprocate and then he’d find himself in a never-ending loop of giving gifts. Sheldon may have also had Antisocial Personality Disorder; is it a bad thing that I can relate?

I’ve often enjoyed characters that I can relate to like Spock from Star Trek: The Original Series or Data from The Next Generation. Neither of the characters were supposed to have emotions. Well, one had repressed all their emotions and the other was never built with emotions. I wanted to be like them. Never having to worry about upsetting people because emotions were involved. Never becoming upset because my emotions had been repressed or non-existent. I hate feeling hurt and I like feeling good; does that make me a bad person? The answer is of course no. Having emotions just means I’m human and not a fictitious character. I’m a real boy!

Being human means dealing with all this mess. It’s funny, we’re all so small in the grand scheme of things, but we’re so much bigger on the inside. I think I’m leaning more towards the second option; managing my expectations better. That way, I can still do things for others and get the ego-boost that I clearly enjoy, and I won’t be such a sour-puss about things.

Communication is key

I think the biggest thing I can do at this point is clearly communicate with people when I expect them to do something nice for me. If I clearly communicate what my expectations are, when they’re not met, I’m justified in being upset. Gosh, that last sentence fell-flat on its face, didn’t it? Funny thing is, that’s exactly what would happen. I’d communicate my expectations to others, they’d still let me down because for the most part, people suck, then my bad-mood would be all their fault. Negative shipmate! People are going to let you down, they’re human too you know. They make mistakes, they have foibles, quirks, pet-peeves, and idiosyncrasies just like you do. But communicating your expectations is way healthier than holding everything inside until it crushes you or explodes out of you.

The truth is, people suck and everyone will eventually let you down. The only thing you truly have control over is yourself; how you think, feel, and behave. If you communicate your expectations and someone fails to meet them then that is on them. Do not let other people’s failures eat you from the inside out. If you allow other people’s failures to get under your skin, then that is because you chose to allow it.

We have to get better as a species about clearly communicating our expectations, managing them, then letting others know when they failed to meet them. Holding things inside isn’t healthy. That’s why my number one thing for any relationship I have is open, honest, communication. That also means not pulling punches when you have to deliver bad news. No one likes giving out bad news, but I’d rather face the hard truth up front and openly than tap-dancing around the subject and never getting to the root of the problem.

What are things that are important to you in your relationships? Let me know in the comments below and don’t forget to hit the like button if you’ve enjoyed this post.