Drained

The past few weeks have been a complete and utter drain on me

It feels like all I do is work, then I come home, have a couple of beers, listen to some records, then fall asleep before nine o’clock. Then, I get up the next morning and repeat. I couldn’t even tell you what I’ve had for dinner the last week other than McDonald’s. In fairness, I’ve been on the road more than usual the last week, so that’s really the only option I’ve had for dinner.

“A hickey from Kinicky is like a Hallmark, sending you the very best.” ~ Grease

I’m finding it difficult to find joy in everyday life right now. I keep trying to think about the blue sky that is always up there no matter how many storm clouds are in front of it. Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra seems to be my theme song right now. At least it gives me some peace.

The difficult part is that there isn’t a whole lot of bad stuff going on in my life right now. It’s just the daily grind that seems to be beating me down more than usual. Sure, there’s been bad stuff; there was a situation at work that required my immediate, constant, and full attention for the last week. That’s been handled as well as can be expected, and it has been a drain, but it hasn’t been insurmountable.

Even having conversations with other human beings seems to be more difficult than normal lately. It seems like I can’t string a couple of words together without upsetting the people around me. If they don’t get upset, the message isn’t conveyed properly and a miscommunication happens, then I wind up becoming upset.

I need to recharge

I need to find something to recharge my batteries. Maybe the thing at work has been more of a drain than I’m realizing. I have this theory about the emotional gas tank. Everything you do takes a bit of a sip from your emotional gas tank. If the gas tank gets to “E”, then your engine stops and you get stranded. It’s important to stop when needed and top-up the tank. That’s how I feel right now, like my emotional gas tank is sitting near empty and I’m starting to suck all the sediment up in to my engine right before it stalls out and I’m stranded.

Self-care

I’ve been doing a lot of things for others lately, maybe it’s time to take some time for myself. I should go for a walk, or maybe I’ll hit the gym this morning. It would be nice to go and buy something nice for myself, something completely for me and unnecessary. Maybe I’ll go to the record store and see if they have anything new in stock, or I’ll swing by the antique store and see what’s there.

Intro- vs. extra- verted

People talk a lot about being intro- or extraverted. That’s not how you are in public, it’s what you do to recharge your batteries for yourself. Do you surround yourself with people and things and stuff, or do you look inwardly for a fill-up? In my mind, that’s what makes the difference between intro- and extraverted.

Loneliness vs. solitude

I like being around people. I work hard to surround myself with the people I love. People that take care of me and can take care of themselves; positive people. I can’t always be with these people, they have lives too. Not to mention, I don’t want to be a drain on any of them. That’s how people get pushed away. Nag, and whine, and complain to the people around you enough, and they won’t want to be around you any longer. You’ll soon find yourself lonely which is different than being alone. Solitude and being alone are not the same thing.

Superman’s Fortress of Solitude

Just being

It’s difficult for me to just be. I like my solitude and I also enjoy being around the positive people I love. But sitting and being is just damned hard to do! I know that there have to be times when I just exist. Not everyday can be a cruise to the Caribbean. I can’t go out all the time and blow a wad of cash on buying stuff to make me feel better. I can’t eat McDonald’s for every single meal. Filling the void that exists within each of us at times is an impossible task. What we choose to fill it with can be different, but the void will never be filled. It’s a black hole that will just consume everything we put in it and never be full. Eventually, we either become consumed ourselves or we realize that the void can never be filled. Once you come to terms with the fact that the void is there and can never be filled, it is possible to find peace.

Balance is important

Personally, I think you need a balance of both things; attempting to fill the the void by enjoying life, finding love and friends, enjoying a nice meal and taking care of yourself on occasion, but also being able to sit still and becoming comfortable with the void and the fact that it can never be satiated. Going too far towards one extreme or the other spells certain doom. If you try to fill the void, you’ll never be satisfied. If you get too close to the event horizon of the void, you’ll be pulled in, spagettified, and crushed in the depressing, uncomfortable truth at it’s core; then, nothing will matter to you. This is called Nihilism; the idea that life is meaningless and nothing matters. But, if you can find balance and master these two oppositional ideas, then you can find some peace and you’re a much better person than I am. I tend to sway too close to either of the two extremes and I can’t seem to find my orbit in the center of the spectrum; re: Struggling Buddhist.

A black hole in a 3D universe would look like a sphere

Final thoughts

I’ve found that starting to write is difficult, I never really know how to get going, but by the time I do find my stride, it’s difficult to stop. This blog has been cathartic for me. I always start off with some problem, or a negative thing, but I’ve been able (so far) to turn it around into a positive thing, or a lesson learned. I hope you enjoy my writing, my thoughts, my ideas, and what I’ve been putting out into the world. If you do, hit the like button below and feel free to leave a comment or two about what you do to refill your emotional gas tank.